I Hate Writing and So Do You (Probably)

Danny enthuses upon us a rant about writing and language. He also wants you to buy his new book, because he’s a greedy SOB.

Writing is horrid. It might sound fanciful, hilarious even, to hear a writer/blogger say that he hates writing, but that’s exactly whats happening right now. Well then, at this very moment you must be thinking, “Well Danny, why don’t you just stop and do something else like cliff jumping?” and my answer to that thought is ‘No, because cliff jumping is for assholes who can’t quite decide if they want to commit suicide yet and so they let the water/rocks decide for them, But I digress.’

However, that is an extremely valid point. If I really hate it, why do I still keep doing it? And to understand that quandary, you have to understand how I got to this point. I’ve never had any opinion on the matter until very recently, when my mother mentioned to me of a girl in the newspaper whose from China and spoke extremely fluent English and Chinese and who also got into Columbia University. Apparently she does all matter of things you would expect a talented young female going to the Ivy League to do like being part of a Youth Council of something or another and having won such and such competition and she likes writing.

“She likes writing.”

“She likes writing.”

“She likes writing.”

I’ve tried, in a mildly failed way, to show visually how those three words reverberated in my head and that’s as good as it gets I’m afraid. Those three words were like three pin balls in my head, hitting absolutely anything and everything and it was at that moment it struck me, I hate those three words put in that order. Of course, I’m not a sexist, it’s the same if someone said “he likes writing” or “we like writing” or “it likes writing” or even “I like writing.” The idea is the fricking same. NO ONE LIKES WRITING. Seriously. The act of sitting (or standing [or lying down {or whatever}]) and putting pen onto paper and scribbling is not a fun experience. It’s not even an enjoyable experience. It gives you a weird blister on your middle finger which makes your middle fingers look different and it’s horrible, or maybe that part is just me. Either way, you would have to be mental if you actually liked holding a pen and scribbling on paper.

This photo isn’t as hilarious now, is it?
(Haha, it still is.)

Now, dear reader, you’re probably thinking “but Danny, people type now, it’s all ergonomic and everything!” And I guess, that’s true, I am guilty of having sometimes enjoyed mindless chitter-chattering at a keyboard and I guess one can say I’m being a bit pedantic about this whole thing. Which I am being. No, what annoys me isn’t the disbelief that some random nuthead somewhere on this floating rock we call a planet likes putting a stick like writing tool into his hands and wildly flailing on a piece of paper. No, that’s modern art, apparently. It’s what they are saying, or I should say, not saying.

When someone says “I like writing” clearly he doesn’t mean that he actually likes the act of writing, but surely the other aspects like thinking of an idea to write about, developing the idea into something that you can write about, expressing the idea in an interesting form and showing people your idea in a written form. Generally being creative. This is a massive range of uniquely human actions that has taken millenia to evolve (or centuries to just occur by design if you’re a creationist) and we’ve just dumbed it down to the short, three word phrase “I like writing” hoping that it will somehow garner amazement and awe from others. It’s what shes told the newspaper, clearly that’s the one thing that she wants people to know about her. And I guess what annoys me the most is that she is supposed to be part of humankind’s upper echelons in the future, going to an Ivy League school and all that, yet all she could come up with was “I like writing” to try to amaze us and not something that is only slightly better like “I like helping my community” or “I like solving things” or something that was at least longer than three words.

I’m sure now, you may be frustrated with me that you’ve read 700 words of basically a nearly meaningless rant and I can’t stop you from being so. “It was just for posterity! Stop giving the girl so much flak!” I can imagine you screaming at your computer monitors. But why do things have to be shorter? Why can’t we do things the long way anymore? Haven’t we butchered the English language enough with inane letters smashed together like YOLO and r8 and ily? R8 doesn’t even make that much sense, why do I have to arbitrarily delete an “e” from the word eight to make the word r-ight? Why can one not just type out the words. R8 sounds like rate and I’m pretty sure that’s not what you meant. Ily is probably the most understandable, but if you really did love the person, why couldn’t you be bothered to spend a little more time and write/type it out?

YOLO is just the worst for it is one of the “words” that have transcended the internet or whichever hellish fiery pit whence it came and into real life. Not a day goes by where you don’t hear some 17 year old screaming at the top of their lungs “YOLO!” before embarking on doing something kind of stupid.

Hopefully like dying. HA HA! That would be ironic, wouldn’t it? Or not, I’m not sure what irony is anymore…

For those of you who aren’t in sync with the times, YOLO stands for “You only live once” because, for some reason, our collective mortality has become a bigger talking point than usual (maybe because it’s 2012 or something Mayan). What’s wrong with old standbys like Carpe Diem? It’s Latin so it sounds intelligent when you say it and it takes the focus away from the parallels of life and death, but instead the seizing of the day. A much more positive and intelligent saying.

Instant messengers, chatrooms, text messages and Twitter have been destroying language to an unbearable point. It’s language, the point of a language is to be used to express your ideas, views or just something to others, but yet we continue to mess with it and make it even more unintelligible and creating meaningless sounds thrown together and making it a saying. It’s disgusting and it should stop. People don’t even have a reason any more to shorten words unintelligibly. Before it was “but each letter costs so much and so much when texting.” But in the era of unlimited calls and texting that we now live in, that just isn’t even a good excuse anymore. Twitter is just stupid, but something that I still have to use (rarely) because it’s popular and I’m just a slave to trends.

So in conclusion, the phrases “I like writing” and “YOLO” have to go. If not for the good of future mankind, at least so that you can sound intelligent (apparently members of the opposite sex like that [or same sex if you’re homosexual {see no discrimination!}]) and be able to flex your metaphorical brain muscles so you don’t develop dementia or Alzheimer’s in the future. Just say what you mean. Be as specific as you can. Please.

Oh, also apparently the girl’s dream is to work in Wall Street. Face palm. More on that when I feel like expressing myself to you readers again, maybe next week or there abouts. I’m coming for you next banks.

Wrong Banks, but hey, I can come for you too, if you know what I mean.

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One thought on “I Hate Writing and So Do You (Probably)

  1. zato says:

    I cant help but agree! I to hate all the crap my teenage nieces (im only 8 years older then the eldest but still) spam my wall with. if they had twitter n if I was remotly interested in it they would twitt the crap out of me I I wouldnt understand half of it….. thankfully we are not twits (hahahahaha I slay myself) but thanks for putting into words what I have always thought.

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